Our story begins with a group of adventurers living in the medieval kingdom of Larion. The kingdom is filled with small villages and thatched cottages and has been relatively peaceful until now. The adventurers are on a quest to find the magical staff of Zalos. They walk through the forest and notice a band of mountain dwarves. The dwarves are friendly and offer them food and drink. Then one of the dwarves turns to them and says "Give us the staff or die." You are the adventurers, will you...
Offer to give them the staff? Suggest that they join you in fighting the evil wizard?
> Scummy the Gnome says "We don't have the staff. We're on a quest to get it."
The dwarves laugh at you and attack!
You fight the dwarves but Scummy is knocked unconscious. You, Chuckles the Dwarf and Honey the Halfling fight hard but it is hopeless.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer gnaws on their toes to fight them off the best way she can.
The dwarves overwhelm you, Chuckles and Honey and Scummy stays unconscious. You are taken prisoner by the dwarves and marched to their mountain city.
> Scummy the Gnome begins to wake up as Scummy the Gnome is thrown in the cell.
The dwarves throw him into the cell with you and he wakes up.
"Oh no!" he says.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer is depressed that she was defeated so easily. She surveys her surrounding to create an escape plan.
You curse your lot and begin to look around the cell for an escape route.
There is a small hole in the wall so you try to squeeze through it but you are just too plump.
> Scummy the Gnome uses his sheer might to make the hole bigger for Mimma.
You use every ounce of your strength to widen the hole but you are unsuccessful in escaping.
A dwarf appears at the door. "You have one hour to prepare for your public execution," he says and locks the door.
> Scummy the Gnome asks Chuckles to smash open the hole with his weapon.
The dwarf appears at the door. "You have one minute to prepare for your public execution," he says and locks the door.
You look around the cell for something you can use to escape.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "all I have is this toothpick, which I use as a sword! Can this be useful?"
You take the toothpick and begin to try to widen the hole with it.
The dwarf appears at the door. "You have one minute to prepare for your public execution," he says and locks the door.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "That hour went by real fast"
The dwarf appears at the door. "You have one minute to prepare for your public execution," he says and locks the door.
You continue using the toothpick to widen the hole.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "Hold on.... is the guard in some kind of time loop? Didn't he say one minute three minutes ago?"
The dwarf appears at the door. "You have one minute to prepare for your public execution," he says and locks the door.
> Scummy the Gnome says "He's saying the same thing, over and over!"
The dwarf appears at the door. "You have one minute to prepare for your public execution," he says and locks the door.
> Scummy the Gnome says "That means we can spend as long as we need to to widen that hole!"
The dwarf appears at the door. "You have one minute to prepare for your public execution," he says and locks the door.
You keep widening the hole with the toothpick.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer attempts to squeeze through the hole to escape.
The dwarf appears at the door. "You have twenty seconds to prepare for your public execution," he says and unlocks the door.
> Scummy the Gnome says "Force past the dwarf now that he unlocked the door."
You shove past the dwarf and run down the tunnel. Chuckles, Honey and Scummy follow you.
"Stop them!" the dwarf shouts.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer despite her plumpness, she runs at the speed of light through the hallway, leading the gang out to safety.
The dwarf and his companions try to block your passage through the tunnel but you run too fast for them. You escape, evading your pursuers.
You have escaped from the dwarves!
> Scummy the Gnome gets to the top of the hill and catches his breath, trying to get back on track.
You, Chuckles and Honey reach the top of the hill and a beautiful sight comes into view. A giant tree village is nestled into the hills. A hanging bridge connects it to the hill you are currently on.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "Why do they call it a 'hanging' bridge?"
A signpost nearby explains why.
> Scummy the Gnome reads the signpost.
Bridge Closed
Due to the dangerous nature of this bridge and its imminent collapse, it is closed to the public.
> Scummy the Gnome says "That still doesn't answer what a "hanging bridge" is..."
The sign also contains a map of the area and a list of places of interest. Fort Down is located near a lake, within the boundary of the map.
> Scummy the Gnome says "Where should we go?"
The choice is yours. You can either try to cross the bridge and get to Fort Down or you can venture into the woods and try to make it to the lake.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "Into the Woods!"
You venture into the woods following an old dirt road. You pass a few half-ruined houses along the way.
Your map indicates you are nearing a place called Buckle Brook Woods.
> Scummy the Gnome starts humming a somehow familiar tune to himself.
You reach Bucklebrook Woods and a sign indicates that there is an old logging town not far from here called Blithegrove.
The road ends in a tunnel under the woods.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "Say, have we been here before? This place feels oddly familiar."
You don't remember ever being in these woods before but Mimma might be onto something. You have all been in the same pirate crew for years now and have been to a lot of places.
> Scummy the Gnome notices a strange white creature at the other end of the tunnel.
Scrunching down and hiding behind Mimma, you peer at the creature.
It looks like a white ferret with a long black tail. It is hard to tell from here but it looks old and miserable.
> Scummy the Gnome realizes he doesn't know what a ferret is and in fact it could be any animal.
The white animal in question looks partially mangy and is missing patches of fur. It also has a raggedy mane and tail.
You can't tell what animal it is.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer approaches the unidentified animal and greets it warmly.
You follow Mimma to meet the mangy creature.
To your surprise the animal speaks! "Oh, it's you is it? I thought I smelled pirates."
"A talking animal!" Scummy exclaims.
> Scummy the Gnome says "I've never seen fur so white! It's like... milk!"
"I'm no animal!" the creature exclaims indignantly. "I'm a magical being. A fae!"
"It's an enchanted creature," Honey suggests.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "Do you have a name?"
"A name?" the creature mumbles to itself. "I've gone by many names. Once, so long ago even I didn't expect to remember it, I was known as Tom."
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "that's lame"
"My wife called me 'love' sometimes," the creature says wistfully. "Other times she would call me an 'ignorant fool'."
"What's your name?" Scummy asks.
"I haven't gone by that name in so long, I've forgotten it. But you can call me Mr. Tumnus.
> Scummy the Gnome says "Also lame"
"Nobody has called me by that name in an age," Mr. Tumnus muses.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "I will call you Bilbo"
"You will?" the Fae asks.
"Sure! It's a name, right?"
This exchange is rather strange but it seems to make Bilbo happy.
> Scummy the Gnome says "So, Bilbo, what are you doing here?"
"This is my home! I am a fae and this is Faerieland."
"Come again?" Scummy utters, baffled.
"Why are you here?" the creature asks in return.
> Scummy the Gnome says "We're looking for a staff, I think? Idk"
"Oh yes!" Bilbo exclaims.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "Would you like to join our quest?"
"I don't think so," Bilbo says sadly. "You see, if I leave Faerieland, it will disappear."
"That's a shame," Mimma remarks.
> Scummy the Gnome pulls out his jar and quickly traps Bilbo in it.
"What are you doing?" Mimma remarks, aghast.
"I'm taking him. He's joining us!" Scummy grins.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "BUT HE WILL DIE! MURDERER!"
Mimma slaps the jar out of Scummy's hand and Bilbo falls to the ground.
"I'm so sorry Mr. Tumnus," she laments.
"Don't worry about it!"
> Mimma the Mouseketeer kisses Bilbo.
"Uh... Okay?" Bilbo says, clearly confused.
The three of you turn to leave when you hear a blood-curdling scream.
"Scummy's been bit!" Mimma screams.
Scummy has indeed been bitten by a Brown Recluse.
You apply some burn cream to the bite but it doesn't seem to help. Scummy begins vomiting and his whole body begins turning black as if it's rotting.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "Bilbo, can you save him?"
Bilbo touches Scummy's head and he stops screaming. He appears to be in a deep sleep. Soon his rotting skin falls off to reveal new pink skin beneath.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "Yo, is that a good sign? Scummy, are you in pain?"
Scummy continues to sleep.
"I think he's in a coma," Bilbo says.
You and Mimma stare at each other in silence.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "what if we make out?"
"What if we make out," you repeat.
You and Mimma lean in for a kiss. As soon as your lips touch you feel a surge of energy.
"Does this mean I'm gay?" you ask.
"I don't know. Do you like boys?" Mimma asks.
"I guess so."
You continue kissing until Bilbo interrupts you.
"Guys, I hate to break up this touching moment, but Scummy is not looking too good."
Scummy's face has become very pale and he is no longer breathing.
"He's dead!"
Scummy is not dead, but close to it. Chuckles gives him CPR. After a few minutes, Scummy begins breathing again.
"It's a fucking miracle!" you exclaim.
"We have to get him to the hospital," Mimma says.
"No," Chuckles says. "We have to get him to the Waffle House. I'll go get the car."
"I'm coming with you," Bilbo says.
"It's Waffle Wednesday."
Mimma and Bilbo get into the car and leave.
"I'm hungry," you say.
"Me too," Scummy says, still unconscious.
"I could go for some waffles."
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "YAY! I want the All-Star meal!"
"Give me the Bacon Gorgonzola Pizza," you say.
You and Scummy wait in the parking lot for your friends to return.
As the gang waits for their food, they devise a plan to obtain the magical staff.
"So this is the plan," Scummy begins.
> Scummy the Gnome says "The evil wizard loves waffles. I say, we bring him a plate of his favorite kind and trade them for the staff."
"That is a fucking stupid plan," you say.
"Is it?"
"We're not going to a fucking wizard's castle to be eaten by a dragon for one of his stupid waffles.
> Scummy the Gnome says "What if we... give waffles to the dragon too?"
"That's a horrible plan and you should feel bad."
"No, it's a good idea," Mimma says. "Dragons love waffles. I saw it in a movie once.
> Scummy the Gnome says "So, what is the Wiz's favorite waffles?"
With your friends in complete disagreement, you yell for order.
"Does anyone know what the wizard's favorite waffles are," you ask.
"I think they're blueberry," Chuckles says.
> Scummy the Gnome trusts Chuckles and orders the waffles, to go.
"Alright, I'll get some blueberry waffles to go," you say. "Scummy, we need to put the wizard to sleep before we can grab the staff.
> Scummy the Gnome suggests putting sleeping medicine in the waffles.
"We can't do that," you say. "The wizard will suspect something if his waffles make him sleepy."
"So what, then?
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "shall I seduce him into giving me the staff? Unless Bilbo has a better idea?"
"Oh yeah," you say. "Mimma, you can try to seduce the wizard and take the staff that way."
"Fuck that," Bilbo says. "That's a terrible idea.
> Scummy the Gnome says "Ok then, what's your bright idea?"
"We steal the keys from the sleeping wizard and let ourselves into the room," Bilbo says.
"That sounds like a lot more effort. Can't I just flirt with him and take the staff?
"No, fuck that," you say.
"He's right, Mimma," Scummy says. "I think Bilbo's plan is the best."
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "Do wizards sleep?"
"What do you mean?" you say.
"I dunno, I've never seen a wizard sleep," Mimma replies.
"I think they sleep," Chuckles says.
> Scummy the Gnome says "I say we just go for it."
"Let's go steal the fucking keys," you say.
> Scummy the Gnome leaves to go to the castle, waffles in hand.
You all pile into the car and drive to the castle.
"We're here," Chuckles says, opening the car door.
> Scummy the Gnome knocks on the door using the big fancy knockers.
A tall, skinny, pale man opens the door.
"Hello," he says. "How may I help you?"
"I'm here to see the wizard," you say.
"Come in,"
> Scummy the Gnome thinks to himself that this is too easy.
You and your friends walk in.
"Right this way," the butler says.
You follow the butler through the foyer and into a room on the right.
"Sir," the butler says, "These children are here to see you."
"Thank you," a deep voice says. "You may leave."
"Certainly, sir,"
> Mimma the Mouseketeer is offended by being reffered to as a child.
You and your friends turn to see a giant man with a beard sitting in a throne-like chair.
"Hello, children. What do I owe the pleasure?"
"I'm here for my staff,"
> Scummy the Gnome says "And we're not children."
"Right," the wizard says, chuckling. "What do I owe the pleasure?"
"I'm here for my staff," you say.
"Of course you are," the wizard says, standing.
> Scummy the Gnome says "We thought you might want these, as a trade..."
Scummy offers the waffles to the wizard.
"Waffles?" he asks. "Sure, why not?"
The wizard takes a waffle and slathers it in butter and syrup.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "Would you like a second?"
"Yes, please," the wizard says.
Mimma hands him a waffle, which he slathers in butter and syrup.
"I love maple syrup," he says, sitting back down.
> Scummy the Gnome says "We got you blueberry."
"Ah, my favorite," the wizard says. "Have a seat."
You and your friends sit down at a table across from the wizard.
"So, what is this all about?"
> Scummy the Gnome says "We need the magical staff of Zalos! Don't you have it?"
"Ah, yes," the wizard says. "The Staff of Zalos. A powerful and dangerous staff, indeed."
"Why do you have it?" you ask.
"Because no one else wants it,"
> Scummy the Gnome says "Uh... we do?"
"I'm sure you do," the wizard says. "But I'm afraid you must prove yourself worthy before I hand it over."
> Scummy the Gnome asks what the wizard means.
"I mean you must prove to me that you are worthy of the staff. I have trusted you this far, but you must prove yourself."
"How?
> Mimma the Mouseketeer does a backflip, hoping to impress the wizard.
Mimma stands up, and does a backflip. The wizard watches her intently.
"Yes... that was very nice," he says thoughtfully.
"Thanks," she says, sitting back down.
> Scummy the Gnome tries to swallow his broadsword, to also impress the wizard.
Scummy stands, and begins to unbutton his shirt.
"What are you doing?" you ask.
"I'm gonna swallow my sword," he whispers.
> Scummy the Gnome says "Watch and learn,."
Scummy pulls out his sword from it's sheath, and swallows it, hilt first.
"Impressive," the wizard says. "But I was looking for something a little more... magical.
Chuckles performs a sea shanty to impress the wizard. To everyone's surprise it calls forth a flock of seagulls. They fill the room and begin to attack.
"No, no, no!" the wizard says, as the seagulls peck out his eyes.
> Scummy the Gnome asks Bilbo to fix the wizard's eye, also using the distraction as a chance to swipe the staff.
Scummy points to the wizard's eyes, and says "Boogadooba". The seagulls are removed from the room, and the wizard is unharmed.
> Scummy the Gnome hides the staff behind his back nervously.
The wizard rubs his eyes.
"Thanks," he says.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer apologizes for the accidental attack.
"Sorry," you say.
The wizard smiles.
"It's fine," he says. "That was actually pretty impressive."
> Scummy the Gnome says "That's good old Chuckle-hawk for you. His singing can do that."
"Indeed," the wizard says. "So, are you ready to go?"
You travel back to your village in silence, and part ways with the wizard on good terms.
> Scummy the Gnome says "Do I still have the staff?"
Yes , but...
As soon as you turn your back, the wizard grabs the staff.
"Thanks for getting me out of that," he whispers to you. "I'll see you later."
> Scummy the Gnome says "Shit. We need another way to get that staff."
The next day, you and your friends sit in the tavern and discuss what to do about the staff.
"I have an idea," Mimma says.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "What if we ask the wizard to join our quest? That way we're not technically stealing?"
"Are you sure that'll work?" you ask.
"Yeah," Bilbo says. "It's a good idea. We should trust her."
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "Thank you. I do have another question, what are we supposed to do with the staff once we obtain it?"
"I know what to do with it," Bilbo says.
"Thank you," you say.
"No problem," Bilbo says. "That's it, then."
> Scummy the Gnome says "Are you going to tell us, or...?"
"I'm going to use it to open the gateway back to your world," Bilbo says. "Now I just have to figure out how."
> Scummy the Gnome sets off with the crew to go ask the wizard to join them.
"Hi!" Mimma says. "We have a question for you."
"Sure," the wizard says.
"Will you join our quest?"
The wizard thinks for a moment.
"Sure," he says.
"Great!" Mimma says. "Can you teach us some magic spells?"
"Yeah," the wizard says. "I can do that."
"Alright,"
> Scummy the Gnome says "Can we borrow the staff real quick?"
"What?" the wizard asks.
> Scummy the Gnome says "The staff."
The wizard thinks for a moment.
"Sure," he says. "But you need to be careful with it."
You swipe the staff from the wizard's hands, and the crew heads back to your village.
> Scummy the Gnome asks Bilbo to work his magic.
Once the crew arrives at your village, you ask Bilbo to work his magic.
"I'll try," he says.
Bilbo sits down and begins chanting.
"Klaatu... barada... niktu," Bilbo chants.
There's a flash of light, and you shield your eyes. When you open them again, the staff is gone.
> Scummy the Gnome says "What happened?"
"I don't know," Bilbo says. "It didn't work."
"Fuck!" you yell.
"That's not good language," Bilbo says.
> Scummy the Gnome says "THE STAFF IS GONE, BILBO!"
"Oh," Bilbo says. "That's not good."
"No, it's really not," you say.
"I'm sure it'll turn up," Bilbo says.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer cries.
"Fuck!" you yell.
Mimma bursts into tears, and runs away.
"I need to go talk to her," Bilbo says.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "I just wanted to make a new friend and now we lost his staff. This is going so horribly wrong. What are we supposed to do now?"
"I don't know," you say.
"Fuck," Bilbo says.
"What are we going to do?" you ask.
"We need to make another plan," Bilbo says.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer says "stop saying fuck and DO SOMETHING"
"What do you want me to do?" Bilbo yells.
"Stop saying fuck and DO SOMETHING," Mimma yells.
"Fine," Bilbo says, throwing his hands up in the air.
> Scummy the Gnome tries to chew his old leather boot to try and lighten the mood.
You try to lighten the mood by chewing on your old leather boot, but it doesn't work.
"I need something to drink," Bilbo says, slumping against a tree.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer continue to cry.
You cry for a moment, before stopping.
> Scummy the Gnome do a backflip to cheer Mimma up.
You do a backflip.
"Hey, stop that," Mimma says, sniffling.
"Sorry," you say.
"I know what will cheer you up," Bilbo says. "A song!"
Bilbo begins to sing.
"It's easy to assume..." Bilbo sings.
> Scummy the Gnome says "That we've all met our doom! ..."
"That we've all met our doom!" you sing.
"It's easy to assume..." Bilbo, Mimma and you sing.
> Scummy the Gnome says "But you know it's not true!"
"But you know it's not true!" you sing.
"Because with just a little bit of luck..." Bilbo, Mimma and you sing.
> Scummy the Gnome says "We'll stop saying fucK!"
"We'll stop saying fucK!" you sing.
You all finish the song with a round of applause.
"There's nothing like music to change a mood," Bilbo says.
Mimma cries happy tears. The mood overall has lightened.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer asks the wizard if he can make a new staff with his magical powers.
"No," the wizard says. "This is my only magical object. I'm sorry."
"Can you please make another magical object?" you ask.
"I don't have the energy," the wizard says.
> Scummy the Gnome brews a fresh cup of coffee for the wizard.
"I think I have something that can help with that," you say, grabbing a bag of coffee beans.
You offer the wizard a cup of coffee.
"This is magical?" the wizard asks.
> Scummy the Gnome says "Oh yes."
"I'll try it," the wizard says, taking a sip.
"I think it's working," the wizard says.
> Scummy the Gnome says "Can you do it now?"
The wizard nods and closes his eyes.
"I can feel the power coursing through my veins," the wizard says. "Yes... yes!"
The wizard places his hands on the ground. There's a bright flash, and when you open your eyes, a brand new, shining staff lies before you.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer jumps for joy and cheers.
"This is wonderful," the wizard says, picking it up.
> Scummy the Gnome grabs the staff and starts waving it around.
You pick up the staff. It's much lighter than your old one, and you feel like you could use it to slay an entire orc horde if need be.
"I'm going to call this one Thunder,"
> Scummy the Gnome waves it around foolishly.
You wave the staff around, watching it glow.
"I think we should head back to the village," Mimma says. "Get some rest before our next adventure."
"Let's do that,"
> Scummy the Gnome tries to cast a spell, not having any idea what he's doing.
You cast a spell, not having any idea what you're doing.
"Uh oh," Bilbo says.
You turn to look at him.
"What?" you ask.
"You've cast a spell," Bilbo says. "But you haven't been trained."
> Mimma the Mouseketeer falls asleep on Scummy's shoulder while they are still walking. She takes no notice of the mess Bilbo and Scummy are about to get into.
"What happened?" you ask.
"You've... you've..." Bilbo says.
> Scummy the Gnome says "You've done something so cute I can't even stand it!"
"What?" Bilbo asks.
"She's fallen asleep on my shoulder," Scummy says. "It's cute."
"Oh," he says.
You continue walking.
> Mimma the Mouseketeer starts to snore.
"She's snoring," Bilbo says.
"Yeah," you say, laughing.
"It's cute," he says.
> Scummy the Gnome says "Even her snore is cute. I agree."
You continue walking.
"Look!" Bilbo says, pointing to an orange dot on the horizon. "That must be the village."
> Scummy the Gnome continues towards the dot, being very careful not to disturb Mimma.
You walk towards the village, a bright dot on the horizon.
"I wonder what kind of trouble we'll find there," you say.
To Be Continued...
> Scummy the Gnome says "One more quick question... what is the wizard's name?"
Great to hear you're still interested! I've actually had a few people PM me and ask if the story is over, so there's at least a few people still reading.
> Scummy the Gnome says "What is his name? Just wanna know before I log off."
His name is Galenet.
> Scummy the Gnome says "Oh.. okay. Interesting. Thanks!"
I'll post a new chapter soon, I've actually already completed it - it just needs a bit of editing, but that should be done by the end of the week, hopefully. TO BE CONTINUED....
Top 10 Moments of this story:
1. Scummy killing a big ass snake with a broom.
2. Scummy cutting Mimma down from the tree and carrying her in his arms.
3. Mimma patting Scummy on the head, ruining his ego.
4. Scummy throwing a rock at a goblin.
5. Scummy being too tired to do much during the goblin battle.
6. Wizard doing something scummy for once.
7. Captain Groot being blown up by a goblin.
8. The other goblin being blown up by a goblin explosive.
9. Scummy getting laid for the first time.
10. Scummy actually being a good guy this time.
Also, Bilbo is an asshole.